TRUE LIFE: So, you’ve been diagnosed with Social Anxiety, now what?

'30 Rock' [NBC/Universal/Broadway Video]

’30 Rock’ [NBC/Universal/Broadway Video]

One day, you’re just a normal California teenager with great hair, perfectly white teeth and an unlimited supply of kale chips. The next, you’re incapable of getting out of bed and the idea of taking a trip to the gym seems like a nightmare when there’s unwatched episodes of Inside Starbucks to watch on Netflix. Perhaps you’re suffering from Social Anxiety, which is why we’ve asked YouTube sensation Florence Joetrug to share her experiences of the condition from diagnosis through to a cure.

THE DIAGNOSIS:

[DAVE CAN WE GET A COPY OF A PICTURE OF A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST BEFORE PUBLICATION? DNP UNTIL THEN PLEASE ALSO CALL LEGAL & MAKE SURE WE CAN USE REAL NAME OF MINOR]

Heeeeyyy guys. It was a few days before my 14th birthday when I realized that I didn’t want to hang around with my girls down at the mall. Instead, all I wanted to do was sit indoors, rag on my sister Sophie’s clothing choices on Instagram (she’s such a bitch) and eat popcorn. When my mom asked if I would drive her down to the store to get her heart meds, I told her to fuck off, which was so totally uncharacteristic of such a nice person like me. I ran to the bathroom and cried for a few hours, not realizing that the paramedics had rushed Mom to the emergency room. YOLO, rite?

I was getting pretty hungry, and was worried sick about if the ambulance had dinged my Mercedes (it hadn’t, but Sophie had scratched CANT into the boot with a screwdriver again — illiterate bitch). When I was outside, I realized that I wasn’t being myself, so drove down to my Therapist’s office in Anaheim to find out what was wrong. I really wanted to speak to my Mom but she wasn’t picking up, some people can be so selfish right in your times of need. 

My therapist, Dr. David Kaczmarek told me that my behavior could be down to a condition called “Social Anxiety,” which at the time I thought only dog rapists and poor people suffered from. He suggested that I come back tomorrow for some tests, but I couldn’t face driving home without some proper attention, so I threw a tantrum until he did the procedure there and then.

Don’t be afraid guys when I say that I was pretty nervous when Dr. David stuck the 2-foot steel probe into me and minced my left kidney. It sounds and feels far more terrifying and painful than it does when I write it down here, so don’t worry too much. It turns out that plenty of my coolest fans were happy to donate one of their kidneys when they found out that I’d contracted a severe case of social anxiety — to the point where people were throwing them at the windshield of my car. I luv you guys sooo much!

THE TREATMENT:

'High School Musical' [Disney]

‘High School Musical’ [Disney]

The first thing that Dr. David told me to do was to sit my family down and stage a coming out ceremony, telling them that I had been diagnosed with social anxiety. Then I was told that I was going to have to inform all of my previous sexual partners so that they could be tested, even that time I sneezed into Sophie’s ear when she met Nash Grier.

A few weeks later, I went back to Anaheim (we can’t get a therapist in Long Beach because we’re *soo* poor) for the next part of the procedure. Again, friends, it sounds scary to talk about a “full body enema” but you really do feel cleaned out when they’re done pressure-washing your ribcage.

Come back next week for the second part of Florence’s story where we’ll learn more about her cure and what happened afterward. It’s entirely likely to make you feel all the feels, from the sads right through to the holy fucks.

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