TRUE LIFE: Sainsbury’s gave me a parking fine after a store manager murdered me


A housewife was DISMAYED to find a PARKING FINE waiting on her doormat after staying too long in a Sainsbury’s car park… because she’d been murdered by one of its employees.

As you drive into the Smythson Road Sainsbury’s (off the A14), you’re greeted with a sign that tells all visitors that you can only park your car here for 3 hours. After that point, you’ll be slapped with a £50 fine in a typical act of corporate jobsworthiness that probably is inspired by some European Union car park directive. Unfortunately, those eurocrats with their noses in the Brussels trough never thought what would happen if a shopper was brutally murdered by a Sainsbury’s employee with their car parked outside.

Housewife Sandy Methuselah was in the store buying nibbles for a cheese and wine party one Wednesday night in May. As she was perusing the Taste the Difference Olives, she was attacked by deputy manager Christopher Cuchillo, who had been sent into a frenzy by some bad meat. “It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life” says Methuselah “he ran out spraying a mist of ham from his mouth and got it all over my Toms. I’d only bought them last week.”

After being murdered, Methuselah had more important things on her mind, and so completely forgot about going over the 3 hour time limit in the car park. Imagine her horror when a bill landed on the front mat saying that she’d have to pay a £50 fee or face prosecution in court! “I was furious, what with being dead and all, and these jobsworths just cared about their bottom line.”

The situation only got more ridiculous from there, since she called Sainsbury’s to inform them that she was dead, only for the company to say it wasn’t anything to do with them. They said that their car parks were handled by an independent third party, which this website can exclusively reveal is S.B.C. Parking and Offal Services Ltd, headquartered in Bradford. Unfortunately, the company refused to speak to us on the record, saying that it couldn’t discuss individual cases with members of the press because of something called “data protection.”

An Avaaz petition has been set up by local councillor Steven Fister and has nearly 30,000 signatures, while Richard Littlejohn is writing a book about the story, provisionally titled “Yew Couldn’t Make It Up.”


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